…to life is equivalent or proportional to the level of learning that we have integrated. To have integrated something means to have a constant state of access to it because you have become it: you are it.

How do you respond? When life throws something hard or tricky your way, what is your reaction? Do you head into it? Or shrink back? Or do everything in your power to avoid it?

I recently (last night) had an experience where I was faced with a situation that seemed, by all indications, to be the next step in my day: a Christmas dinner with some friends of family. No one else got back to me, and, since it was Christmas, none of my favorite alternatives were open. Only one option that included being with other humans and a solid warm meal (which I have been enjoying having in my reality consistently these days).

Over the last several days, I have had a series of experiences which are beyond the scope of this post which have greatly increased my psychic awareness. So, as I walked up to the door of these people’s house, I could feel into and sense all of the energies and belief systems present.

Now, one could argue that all I was sensing was my own memories and knowledge of these people. But I have learned to trust my spidey senses more often than not. And, there was a lot of dissonance. For some reason I couldn’t handle how limiting and confined the definitions and energies at that house felt to me. My entire psychic being scrunched up and cringed as I walked up to the door. I recoiled and left. I had a backpack dinner in a parking lot by myself.

Christmas Day ended in a lonely packaged dinner as I felt into how sad everyone was that I had ditched. I love these people, so I felt sad with them.

Question is: why would I not be able or willing to share space with these people? Because I was afraid. A lot of these patterns were present as I was conditioned as a child. I have been exploring the idea of getting cozy with them as an adult and working at my parent’s place. But maybe a little too cozy?

And there’s my belief: that it would have been ‘bad’ for me to go into and spend time at this place. That’s what created the resistance. That’s the belief. That it would have been a ‘waste’ of my time or energy, or that I would have some of my new learnings shaken and perhaps loose my grasp on them. Otherwise, it is simply an experience of dissonance, not fundamentally any different from an experience of harmony.

But nothing that I actually need to learn, that I actually need to grow into or through can be shaken by old circumstances. If it needs to be there, it will cause growth. That growth will happen one way or another. Whether slowly or quickly. I don’t have to reenact those patterns, “give into” them by placating them. It can be an experience of dissonance for everyone, or perhaps one of finding a new harmony.

Anyway, I could get into more detain and nuance, but last night I could not escape the fact, the reality that I did not want to be there, despite how welcoming it may have been or seemed. And that is okay. It was a choice, I made it. I am forgiven and perfect in all my choices.